My dear friend, if you're truly desperate and in need of clinical help I encourage you to seek out professional assistance. I'm not a licensed professional and can only share my experience, such as it is. I probably should have sought out clinical treatment some years ago, but I made it through with the support of my band of brothers, circle of sisters, and my faith. I sometimes take the long way home, but that needn't be you. Nevertheless, I'm providing below several links that I've found useful and have encouraged me on my path back to life. I pray they'll do the same for you and remain hopeful that you'll find inside yourself the strength that resides there, the power within, and your reason for living. God bless you and know that you have a friend in me...